


Duck and Cover, Shrek Is Here.

by ermayzing



Series: The Shrek Chronicles [5]
Category: Shrek Series
Genre: Bombs, Gen, Murder, Thriller, inspired by a 1950s atomic bomb safety commercial, scary situations???, space, swamp planets, thanks history class
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2015-12-07
Packaged: 2018-05-05 09:27:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5370227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ermayzing/pseuds/ermayzing
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bert the Turtle has spent his life training in bomb safety. But what will happen when Shrek shows up and brings him to outer space?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Duck and Cover, Shrek Is Here.

**Author's Note:**

> written on April 21, 2015.

 

It was another ordinary day. Bert was content with himself as he walked along the swamp path, sniffing the blue flowers with red thorns. He had been roaming this area for a while now, and he quite enjoyed the scenery. But his happiness did not last long…

Bert’s eyes widened twice their size as an enormous _FLASH_ happened. Immediately, he knew what he should do. This is what he had trained for all those years. This was his purpose. This is what millions of classroom students had ridiculed him for, but he paid them no mind. He was going to live.

The theme song played about in his head as he repeated the movements he had done so many times before. _Duck and cover_ , he thought to himself.

He waited for the blast. He waited, and waited, and… waited… but… wait, where was the shockwave? He poked his head from his shell, and let out a silent scream of terror.

There, in the sky, headed straight for him, was Shrek. Bert gasped and quickly went back into his shell, but it was no use.

The earth shook massively as Shrek made contact with the ground. Bert felt a hairline crack form in his shell, but he was thankful to be alive. He peeked out once more, to find the ogre towering over him, with a grin which made Bert tremble in fear. He went into his shell once more.

“Duck and cover, duck and cover, duck and cover, Shrek is here,” Shrek sang, far too gently. “Come on now, little guy, don’t be shy, come out of your shell, now… Better out than in, I always say.”

Bert slowly exposed himself and stood. He chose his words carefully, asking, “S-Shrek, Your Excellency, The Strong and Noble Ogrelord, to what do I owe this p-pleasure?”

Shrek’s eyebrows raised, and Bert gulped.

“No, no, Bert, truly, it is _you_ who deserves such respect,” Shrek smirked. Bert didn’t like the tone of his voice. It was far too… menacing to be genuine.

“Sir… Sir Ogre, I do–”

“SILENCE, BERT, I HAVE NOT FINISHED,” the ogre bellowed, causing the poor turtle to jump. He continued in a softer tone, “Bert… my dear acquaintance… I traveled to this area with a single motive…”

“O-oh? A-and may I ask what that is? Sir?”

He should not have spoken so out of turn.

The next thing Bert knew, he could feel Shrek’s meaty ogre hands hoisting him high in the air. Then, they blasted off. Bert screamed.

“ _A WHOLE NEW WOOOOORLD_ , _**A NEW FANTASTIC POINT OF VIEEEEW**_ ,” Shrek used his opera voice, something he rarely did.

Suddenly, they stopped mid-air. Bert opened his eyes (he’s not sure when he closed them), and he saw a planet. But, not just any planet… It was Earth.

“A-are we in space?” Bert asked, shivering from the freezing temperatures.

Bert looked to Shrek for an answer. Shrek said nothing, simply gazing back at the other. Bert’s turtle eyelashes fluttered as he noticed just how beautiful Shrek was in this light.

Shrek broke the silence, saying, “Bert, I hope you know why I brought you up here.”

Bert was confused. This was a whole new side to Shrek, nothing like the one he had just witnessed. This Shrek was gentle, loving… _nice_ even. And Bert couldn’t help but be mesmerized by Shrek’s green glow.

“It’s the onions,” Shrek whispered.

“What?”

“The onions in my back pocket, they’re what make me glow. I feed off their energy levels, and they fuel me. How else would I do the KA-ME-HA-ME-HA?” He chuckled, pulling out an onion and offering it to Bert, who gratefully accepted.

“Thank you, Shrek. Without you, I couldn’t have done it…”

“Done what, Bert?”

“Today, when you crash landed, you gave me the opportunity to actually practice my ‘duck and cover’ routine. Like, really, properly practice it. I… I guess what I’m trying to say is… Shrek… You’re the bomb,” Bert looked away.

Shrek couldn’t keep the smile off his green ogre face. He hugged the dear turtle, thanking him silently.

“You know… we’re not that different, you and me. We’re both green and we survive in swamps,” Shrek laughed loudly, along with Bert.

Their happiness did not last long, however, as Bert’s breathing became labored.

“Bert?!”

“I’m not… going to… m-make it, Shre–” Bert cut off in a fit of coughing. He couldn’t breathe.

“Bert, I… I’m sorry.”

Bert looked at Shrek’s face, seeing a smile upon his face.

“W-why are y-you smiling?” Bert hacked, eyes filling with terror as he soon realized the reality of the situation.

“Because, Bert. I brought you up here on purpose. I knew this would happen, and I did it on purpose. Don’t you see? When the blast of my crash landing didn’t crush you, I had no choice. _You were in my swamp, Bert, you should have known what would happen_.”

Bert’s eyes widened, and he trembled. This was the end. He took one final breath and…

“Finally! It took him long enough!” Shrek exclaimed.

Shrek reached into his back pocket, pulling out an onion and taking a bite before flying off to the Swamp Planet.

“Duck and cover, duck and cover, Shrek is on his way, duck and cover, duck and cover, with a flash brighter than day…”

The world would never find out his secret.

**He was the atomic bomb.**


End file.
